As I watched television the other day, I was appalled at the sight of several more idiots parading as Elvis Presley impersonators, complete with the ridiculous black-on-white “uniforms,” the overlong hair, the ever-present and badly played guitars, and, of course, the swinging, sex-ridden hips.
It reminded me of the day many years ago that an Elvis impersonator walked into the KIRO-TV studio, where I worked as a commentator, and proceeded to foul the air with his shrill sounds and miserable gyrations. I had intended to deliver a very serious commentary on the political issue of the day, but I simply could not “get serious.” Instead, this is what I said — and I am pressed to say it again:
I wanted to call in sick today, but my wife pushed me out of the house as she mumbled something about being ‘chicken’ and stuff like that there. That doesn’t mean I’m not sick. No, it means I’m sick — and tired — of hearing about Elvis, Elvis sightings, and, now, an Elvis stamp, for goodness’ sake!
I suppose that makes me nothing but a hound dog. I just had a chilling thought. Am I the only one who can’t stand the sight or sound of Elvis — the exaggerated sideburns, the oversexed hip-swinging, the bedroom leer, and the voice that should be heard only in the shower?
Now, that’s real scary. If there’s any sign of intelligent life out there, please make yourself known. Honk if you, too, are a rock-hating hound dog. I would ask you to write me a card or a letter enlisting in my Anti-Elvis crusade — but I’m afraid you’ll go out and buy of of them thar E.P. stamps to mail it to me, and that would be a sign of defeat for me.
Just send me a carrier pigeon. No deposit, please. Thankyouveramuch, awnh-hawn. Good Lord, I’m infected!
I was gratefully rewarded by my viewers and listeners out there in television land. At last count, I received close to 200 cards and letters and another hundred phone calls agreeing with me. For obvious reasons, I didn’t count the responses from those who were Elvis fans, but, to be honest, I think the total count was about even.
P.S. I wanted to add the following footnote to my commentary, but because of the sensitive nature of TV and radio, I left it out:
It should be obvious to any true music lover that the most obnoxious thing about Elvis Presley is that he strums his guitar and swings it from side as if it were a phallic symbol. Let me rephrase that: I’m sure he considers the guitar a phallic symbol.
But I didn’t add it, even though I’ve always thought it to be true.